This letter came from a man who masturbated not prone but in an idiosyncratic manner that caused him some of the same problems that TMS sufferers have.
Your information on this subject was for me, like many others, highly enlightening. I have suffered many of the same problems as those described by your fond members with one notable exception: I've never masturbated to conclusion in the prone position. For that matter, I'm not sure that I can. Ed.: Please don't try!
While I do not masturbate on my stomach, the technique I use may have caused similar consequences in my sex life. And that technique is this: While lying on my back with my legs slightly parted and stretched straight, I close my right hand into a fist and then glide my knuckles back and forth across my penis. I use a piece of fabric as a buffer between my hand and my penis. So, no direct contact is ever made between these two parts. Often, the fabric medium is as thick as a blanket or comforter. For obvious reasons, this is a bad idea. The sensation of muffled-by-fabric knuckles skipping back and forth across the penis in a somewhat diagonal (not quite up and down, but closer to back and forth) path isn't anything like sexual intercourse.
As an adolescent, my masturbatory activities were frequent - from ages 11 to maybe 16, I would estimate loosely that my average attention to this task was to the tune of 3 to 6 times daily. As we all know, after a few orgasms, one must work harder to achieve the same result. I recall many a marathon night where I had dragged my knuckles mercilessly across my clothed penis for hours on end, to my great satisfaction, no less! :) Surely, I desensitized myself a great deal by using fabric as a substitute for lubricant. Repeating the process so many times daily also was probably a bit much. About a year after I'd started to masturbate, I'd been made aware of the common male masturbatory method through sexual education. By that time, of course, I already had efficient masturbation down to a science. No need to fix what's not broke, right? (Wrong!)
I have noticed that in some past responses, you or others have implied that TMS has a certain set of criteria for diagnosis. I think it's important to look at what events are taking place which hinder our erections and orgasms independently as well as in connection with one another. I'm no doctor, but it seems clear that the two main problems that TMS sufferers find themselves repeating are:
- They exert too much pressure on their penises. In the cases
reported, men seem to more or less "stab the mattress," which as we
know from your site, isn't good for a number of reasons. Other
methods include humping the floor, riding the kitchen table, making
it with vertical and horizontal beams, walls - not enough time
staring at the ceiling!
- Obscure bodily positions during masturbation and orgasms. It would seem that humping down and into a mattress would make perfect sense, especially to adolescent young males, but this is obviously false. Women aren't built like mattresses, and are much softer than a Sealy Posturepedic.
I know I'm not alone here, so I'm going to clearly state the differences and similarities between the cases I have read about and my own.
TMS: Typically only have orgasms in one position - prone
Me: Typically only have orgasms in one position - on my back.
TMS: Put too much pressure on their penises during masturbation
Me: The same, only I rely on gravity less for the orgasm
TMS: If at all during intercourse, climax while on top missionary
Me: Climax during intercourse only on bottom with woman on top
TMS: Suffer sporadic or chronic erectile disfunction and anorgasmia
Me: Me too, but this has gotten a LOT better in my current relationship
In my opinion after examining this data, I have determined that mine too is a form of TMS, though a less acute one. I've not ever been responsive enough to complete intercourse with a condom on, except for two times out of thousands of episodes of sexual intercourse dating back to 1987. I'm 29. After having sex regularly for almost four years, I finally had an orgasm from intercourse in 1991. Sounds very familiar! I could go on and on about my own personal issues which make me feel akin to the members of this group, but I'd rather not get long winded, so I'll cut to the point.
In November of last year, a group member posted a message which included this passage:
Right now, I'm feeling like if I can overcome this coniditon, I can do anything in the rest of my life and there won't be anything in the rest of my life that could be more difficult than overcoming this problem!
Be strong everybody!
That's the part that really got to me. This guy's said a whole lot in this little bit of sentence about how important this issue really is to us. If you're anything like me, masturbation surfaces in your thoughts several times daily - I want to make room in my brain for lesser worries if I can, and if any information that I can furnish might help such a cause along for you, me, the guy humping the tree, well, I'm there!
I noticed and recall most of my thoughts and worries during the long period of masturbating inappropriately through my adult years, so I thought I'd add a few to the pile:
- Performance Anxiety - When it was time to penetrate my partner, I lost my erection. This was a terrible blow to my ego. It could have meant so very many things, most of them bad in the mind of a 14 year old boy. Thoughts like....
- Fear of homosexuality - Losing an erection at show time the very
first time I had an opportunity to use my always faithful and
friendly phallus sent me into a confusing panic. First, the
recognition of my failure became a ringing bell in my brain. This
paranoia gave birth to a great many related thoughts that were very
dismal and ill informed.
Let me elaborate on this for those of you who are currently where I was several years ago. If you have compelling sexual curiosity about members of your own sex, this does not make you homosexual. If you experimented with the kid down the street and enjoyed it at some point, this also does not qualify you for homosexual status. When I found that I was having a hard time getting it up for my first young woman, I theorized that I might be gay, and that all my problems would be solved by finding fulfillment from another male. I took the hard lesson and went out and tried at it. What I learned from this is that there's a fine line between what excites me through fantasy, versus what excites me in reality. I heard similar sentiments to this one when I was 14, and I didn't believe them. I thought that because I'd had a few erotic fantasies involving the same sex that I was doomed. I didn't seem to give much credit to the 99 out of 100 times that I was thinking about women during masturbation - my mistake!
- Lack of sensation - from the manual, oral and otherwise efforts by my partner to stimulate my erection. This was bad news too. From what I'd heard about oral sex, I expected to have my socks knocked off; I got my ego knocked off instead. Oral sex was a sick joke to me. Everybody else was ranting and raving about it, and I thought it felt like someone was tickling me with something wet.
- Feelings of being different in a 'not good' way - This is what
happens when you pore over your own shortcomings, misfortunes and
poorly thought out self-opinions. The big consequence of
falling into this state of mind is that it only contributes towards
continued failure. Like Doug says, look at the pleasure involved in
sexual intercourse, while paying les attention to
the possibility of having or not having, an orgasm. That is EXACTLY what brought me into the realm of having orgasms by the efforts of willing young honeys.
(Note: FINALLY! A site that confirms that there are others!)
- Allowing life decisions to be affected by something like a masturbatory or otherwise sexual anomaly - You might find yourself marrying the 'right' girl, who is right only because she knows about and is comfortable with the fact that you masturbate in an unusual fashion, and/or don't have orgams via sex often or at all.
After years of persistent tinkering with ideas, I'd developed my own about why I was having trouble, and the idea that I was masturbating too furiously was right up there. I would talk to myself, visualize and all that other fun stuff, and it certainly worked to some extent. By about age 17 I stopped masturbating so very often, and found that I had the unique talent of being able to have lots and lots of sex without ever having to worry about coming if I didn't want to. Still, my fear of not being satisfactory for not coming much troubled me. I got used to having orgasms, too.
I've been in a relationship now for over a year with the most astounding woman. Not only does she make me come easily, but she's shown me how to have an orgasm via oral sex! I never believed that I could come via oral sex, not for anything. Also, she's made me come via manual stimulation - wow! - on more than one occasion, It's tough still, but progress is a great source of encouragement. Now, if we can keep our hands off each other for 7 or so days, perhaps I'll have a good chance in coming while on top! I've been dreaming about it for years.
I think the partial secret to my success has been my lack of masturbation. I haven't changed my style in all these years, but I masturbate less than once a month now, due to my partner having a strong sex drive. In fact, sometimes SHE overstimulates my penis after hours of long sex. I want to tell you, that if an over-anxious hyper worrier like me can make a hurdle, so certainly can most other guys out there. I wish you all luck and I hope you'll do me the same. I'm sad but glad to see that I'm not the only one with problems like these. I used to PRAY for a quick ejaculation. Boy, that would be nice, wouldn't it? For once?
Doug, thank you for your fantasic website, you're aces all the way for putting it together to help your fellow humans out on such a silent and touchy (heh!) subject. Bravo!
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