Issues of masturbatory privacy: Dorms and other shared living arrangements

Being in college often means living in much closer quarters than one is accustomed to in the parents' home. Many students have never shared a room at all before coming to college and being more or less randomly assigned to spend the school year with another freshman in a room which is often smaller than the bedroom at the parents' home. While this means adjusting to another person's lifestyle in many ways, the loss of privacy for masturbation is an especially jarring fact of collegiate life for many and something that more than a few think about daily.

While issues of privacy at the parental home (see the page about getting "caught") usually mean a parent or sibling didn't respect the sanctity of a closed door to one's private space, the issue of privacy in the dorm setting is tied to a lack of communication among roommates about something all of them are aware that they all practice.

Thus, the easiest solution to the problem of masturbating in the dorm is to discuss it with roommates and lay out ground rules. Unfortunately, many 18-year-olds find it hard to acknowledge out loud that they masturbate. This page discusses some approaches that people have used to bridge this communication gap, often without referring to masturbation by name.

As with privacy issues at home, masturbation in the dorm is more of an issue for males than for females. This is not only because males masturbate more often at every age group and level of sexual experience, but also because male college students are more likely than female college students to be without a sexual partner. Furthermore, males are less likely than females to discuss the intimate details of each others' lives.

Here are some actual questions from readers of this site and the author's replies.

I'm going to college next year, and I'm wondering what guys do in dorms to masturbate. Do they jack off quietly in bed or do they do it together at the same time? I know it probably varies from dorm to dorm, but what do most guys do? I'm going to be sharing a bathroom with several other people. Masturbating quietly in bed is hard because I'm sort of vocal when I masturbate. Thanks for your time. I appreciate your site. (age 17)

Congratulations on getting admitted to college! First the easy part: Not many do it together. Most guys in dorms and roommate situations never say a word about masturbation and have to do it surreptitiously when their roommates aren't around or learn to do it in the shower or toilet. This means they have to stop when someone comes back to the room and can't do it during sleeping hours, which is most people's favorite time to masturbate. I suspect they are less satisfied than guys who discuss the situation and lay out ground rules. Everyone would be greatly relieved if someone would say, "I propose that it be OK to masturbate whenever it is dark in this room." But these discussions need not mention masturbation specifically, and can instead refer to one roomie "wanting to be alone in the room." As Homer Simpson's college roommates advised him, hang a necktie over the doorknob if he's with a girl, or a sock if he's with a picture of a girl.

Just a comment on the college dorm thing. I went to a small religious college and there was an unwritten rule that when your roommate came back from a date, he got the room to himself for half an hour. Nobody ever said it was because of masturbation, but everyone knew it was. The girls at this college were way too straight and guys would usually be completely turned on with no relief after dates. (age 26)

Interesting concept. It sounds like the dorm administration was in on this plan at your school? I think it's universal for males to masturbate after unsatisfying dates.

My roommate and I used to never speak a word about masturbation. Recently though, we have tried doing it at the same time a couple of times - each person on his own bed concentrating on himself. The only problem so far is it seems to make going to sleep really hard now that we have it in the open. It doesn't seem to affect our friendship. Do you think this is still fairly healthy? We're both straight, of course. (age 20)

I think the only thing roommates have to acknowledge is that they all masturbate and/or "need to be alone in the room" sometimes. Doing it together or simultaneously is a level above that. I don't think it's unhealthy, however, and I think going to sleep will be the same as usual once the novelty of your joint masturbation wears off.

During freshman year, my roommate and I each walked in on the other masturbating at least once. We were both cool about it, and left each other to finish in privacy. Many other times, I heard him masturbating when he thought I was asleep. Usually, I'd wait until he was finished and went to sleep before I starting masturbating. If I had a particularly urgent need to make myself come, I just did it, and he never got uptight about it, and I'm not even sure he was aware of what I was doing. (age 23)

Obviously, it would have put no strain on your relationship if you had recognized aloud what you were doing.

As a rule, guys just wait to masturbate until their roomie is asleep. Every guy knows that they both masturbate in the room quite a bit. And unfortunately, neither of them ever says anything about it. One day I was just in utter need of relief, and I asked my roommate if he would leave me alone so I could masturbate. I was quite shocked that I had said it. I thought we both were, but he told me no problem, and even offered me one of his magazines. It was the first time I had ever used a naked picture, and I still remember it as one of my greatest orgasms ever. He always let me use his collection after that, and I bought a few that I shared with him too. I wouldn't have gotten to experience that at that point if I hadn't said anything. (age 27)

Another triumph of communication, but I don't think you needed to ask him to leave you alone so you could masturbate. As you state, everyone knows that both he and his roommate masturbate in the dorm room, so all you really had to do was ask to be alone and he would have understood what you were going to do.

Hi, great site, and what a great question. I just have a confession to make. I was never in a dorm in college, but I've occasionally stayed in them for retreats, conferences, youth hostels, etc. I would make a practice of never talking with the guys in my room or even make eye contact because I knew I was going to masturbate and I didn't want any of them confronting me about it if they heard anything. I just figured it would be harder for them to say anything if that was the first thing they had ever said to me. I also chose the bed (whenever I had a choice) based on which one had the most privacy to masturbate. (age 32)

OK, I can understand all that. Most guys don't say anything about masturbating to the one guy they live with for a whole school year in a tiny room. I think a lot of guys would think it was strange if you brought that up when it was going to be just one night. I've heard of guys enduring that kind of accomodation for weeks at a time and then masturbating often and furiously when they finally had a bedroom to themselves again.

I'm 18, and just finished my first year in college. My problem during the past year has been that I do not have the privacy I need to masturbate as often as I need, and as a result I have often felt edgy and not able to focus. I share a dorm room with another girl and can only do it in the shower or very carefully in bed at night. When living at home with my parents, I was able to do it much more freely and without concerns, as I had my own bedroom and was often home alone. During the past year, I have been waiting eagerly for the weekends that my roommate is away. I'm then often so starved that I spend most of the weekend pleasuring myself. The good thing about this is that it really feels great when I have waited so long and it is really intense.

But I really need this freedom more often, "going wild" with myself for several hours a couple of times a week in addition to more calm every-night masturbation. I have told my parents I want my own room next year but they insist, because of the additional cost, that I stay in a dorm with shared room one more year. Now during the summer, I masturbate very frequently and feel relaxed. I really think I will go crazy next year unless I can have my own room. I cannot tell my parents the reason I need my own room, and I don't know what to do.

I'm also worried that my sex drive is too strong since I like to do it so much and my vagina is often squirting when I come. This started during the past year during times when I was very excited and now the first and second orgasms almost always come with squirts. I like the feeling very much but worry that it is a sign of something being not quite normal.

Your first problem is one I have often dealt with in men. This is what I tell guys:

Most guys in dorms and roommate situations never say a word about masturbation and have to do it surreptitiously when their roommates aren't around or learn to do it in the shower or toilet. This means they have to stop when someone comes back to the room and can't do it during sleeping hours, which is most people's favorite time to masturbate. I suspect they are less satisfied than guys who discuss the situation and lay out ground rules. Everyone would be greatly relieved if someone would say, "I propose that it be OK to masturbate whenever it is dark in this room." But these discussions need not mention masturbation specifically, and can instead refer to one roomie "wanting to be alone in the room." As Homer Simpson's college roommates advised him, hang a necktie over the doorknob if he's with a girl, or a sock if he's with a picture of a girl.

There's a good chance your roommate masturbates too, and she is apt to be relieved and understanding. However, I think you have a more serious problem with your need for frequent extended masturbation sessions. No one would deny you your "every-night masturbation," something practiced by the majority of males your age and more than a few females. But "going wild" for hours several times a week points toward compulsion; it suggests that you're doing it for more than pleasure and stress relief, that you're masturbating excessively to replace something that's missing in your life. You're building your life around masturbation, and you admit that it's not good. It might be a good idea to cut back those extended sessions to fortnightly (once every two weeks). You also ought to try to get involved in more activities.

The squirting is probably nothing unhealthy. It might be the rumored female ejaculation. Most women who have this regard it as a positive thing.

Follow-up: I suppose my roommate does masturbate as well, but maybe not as much as I do. I can do it at night in the dark even when she is there, but there is no way I could do my long sessions with someone in the room, as it is just too intense, with a lot of different things I do to vary my pleasure, that I would not want anybody to see or know about. I don't know what to do now but I really look forward to the day when I can have my own room. I realize that I masturbate more than most girls and I am a little worried. However, I'm not building my life around it as I'm very active on campus, have a lot of friends (boyfriends too), and do very well in my classes. I just feel very horny every 3-4 days and need to come many times.

When I have the chance, I do it in the evening, from 10-1 or so, until I feel completely exhausted and satisfied. I'm only a little tired in the morning and it is no big deal. So when I have the chance to do it when I need to, everything is fine. It's when I have to wait a couple of weeks or so between these intense times that I start to feel edgy and then really indulge when I finally have a chance. I can then have several 2-3 hour sessions throughout the weekend, after which I can be very tired and also feel that my privates have become too swollen and sensitive. I feel very good while I'm going wild like this, but I'm worried that it is too much, and I would like to go back to my more natural pattern.

I still think you're putting much more emphasis on masturbation than you ought to. It seems to be something you spend a lot of time thinking about and wondering when you can indulge in it next. Even people who are sexually active don't have "several 2-3 hour sessions" in a single weekend. Your newest comments still lead me to believe you're being compulsive. Talking to someone at the campus mental health center might help.

I used to only masturbate when my roommate was out, and I put a chair in front of the door, not to block it, but so that when it opens, I will hear a loud bang. One time I was so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't hear her open the door or hit the chair, and I masturbate with my eyes shut so I didn't see anything either. When I finally heard her rustling in the closet, I asked how long she'd been in the room. She said, "it's OK, I do it too." I was kind of shocked but then was grateful that it was only her and she didn't have other people with her. Since that time, I've been able to do it with her in the room when we're both in bed. We've both agreed that the chair in back of the door means not to come in. (age 20)

I think your roommate handled it with grace and some maturity, but it would have been better for her to simply leave rather than get stuff from her closet while you were masturbating and thought you were alone.

I used to take trips in college with an athletic group, and we picked the room we slept in either as "wankers" or "non-wankers." It was OK to masturbate in a "wankers" room but not in a "non-wankers" room. Dividing up like that might help people who live in dorms too.

No, it wouldn't. What you're talking about is a group of people who know each other spending a night or two on the road. You couldn't divide college students that way for permanent living arrangements because all of the men and a healthy majority of the women masturbate frequently.

There was one occasion when I used the dorm bathroom early one morning and I caught a dorm mate masturbating in the urinal. I didn't say anything, but it was obvious I knew what was happening. We both laughed nervously and went about our business. I always wake up with a very full erection and there are some mornings I need to relieve the build-up of seminal fluids before I urinate, so I do understand. However, I masturbate in private, which can obviously be a touch-and-go situation in a dorm setting. (age 18)

Why would someone masturbate in a urinal when there is a stall nearby? He might have been looking for a sex partner. That would be kind of unusual in the dorm where he lives, though. Always be careful when you see men wasting time in a public bathroom. They might not be there for the same reason you are.

Here's my idea of a solution. (age 20)

Interesting! Very interesting!

I'm in college, and my roommate happens to watch porn on his computer and masturbate, with me in the room! He just pulls it out and starts doing it! The first time he did it I was so shocked I just pretended I didn't notice, but he does it a lot. Is there any way I could ask him to stop without feeling awkward? (age 18)

As you would tell any three year old, that should be done in private. Just state your position. You don't need to make a big deal about it. He ought to get the message just from you saying it once.

I live in an apartment with a roommate. We don't share the same room but often I see him masturbating because he leaves his door half-open. I am not going to deny that I masturbate, but I am cautious when I do it. I have a good relationship with him, but we never talk about this issue. That fact that he leaves his door open when he masturbates bothers me. My question to you is, is this behavior natural? Do a lot of people perform sexual activities openly, for people to see? (age 18)

Either he just doesn't care, or he wants you to see. In either case, he should not be surprised by you telling him you'd prefer he shut his door while he masturbates. You should do that if it bothers you.

I actually tried to stop masturbating when I started college and was successful for several months. Then, a few months in, I started having painful urination. I was still a virgin at that point, so I knew it wasn't an STD, and I immediately suspected something awful. It turns out that I had managed to get a prostate infection! I still don't know how that happened, but in addition to the antibiotics, the doctor advised me to begin masturbating (again) if I hadn't already, and that would help clear things out, giving my immune system a fighting chance. I was virtually forced into dealing with the situation. Our dorm had fairly private showers, with a dressing area, and an interior shower area - and I managed to get by that way until I was able to get a private room. It was a tad irritating, though, as I had to use caution to avoid making a mess. (Which was solved by ejaculating into my hand and washing it down the drain.) Fortunately, between the antibiotics and masturbating with renewed vigor, I was able to beat the infection. It took two weeks. (age 30)

You illustrate vividly the problems males can encounter when they don't ejaculate often enough. You don't mention why it was impossible to masturbate in your dorm room. Was there no time at all when you had privacy?

When I was in college I was lucky. I had the same roommates for four years. We masturbated openly. We all knew we enjoyed doing it. It was not a big deal. It was a relaxing atmosphere. We are still great friends. (age 30)

I've found out the easiest way is to tell your roommate you masturbate is to jokingly tell him that whenever he enters the room, to make sure he jiggles his keys a little before entering because you'll be pleasuring yourself. Then laugh a little and say you're only kidding.. Then, the next time you go to enter the room and you know he's in there just jiggle your keys a little before entering. Allow him a good 20-30 seconds to stop what he's doing. I lived with my best friend for an entire year, and neither of us ever admitted to masturbating, nor did we ever catch each other. Also, if you know your roommate's class schedule, it helps, so you can find a time when you know they have class. I'm an avid practitioner of masturbation, and I've never been caught by anyone, so I'm sure I could give good tips on avoiding getting caught. (age 21)

I think that's good advice. Again, these discussions need not refer to masturbation specifically but can instead refer to roommates wanting to have privacy in the room.

My floor is co-ed so it's a bit more stressful to masturbate in my room. For the most part I do it when my roommate is gone, but I used to also do it while he was sleeping. I have a feeling the girls next door have heard me doing it from outside. I sometimes turn up some music to distort the sound but other times I just phase out the worrying and regret it later. Now I hate to talk to them or walk past their room. They act respectful but still they know. (age 19)

I think you're making too big a deal out of it. They probably don't know. They might not even hear anything through walls or doors, especially if there's noise coming from their other side and above them and below them. You are probably giving a negative signal to those girls by ignoring them. Just smile and be friendly. In the unlikely event they know when you're masturbating, they probably don't think less of you because of it, and if they do, it's their problem.

My college doesn’t have on campus housing but rents out apartments. I'm a girl and I have a super nice roommate. She's the sweetest person I've ever met but I’m not comfortable taking to her about masturbation. I know a lot of girls are quiet about it but I masturbate noisily. I'm very rough in what I do. It's the only way I know how to orgasm, and I don't want my roommate to know. I have waited till she leaves for the weekend but that only happens once a month if I'm lucky. I've done it once since she's been at class but there are other people outside the bedroom door and I'm paranoid they might hear me. The door doesn’t lock and my roommate knocks but I'm afraid that isn't enough really and I'm embarrassed if she were to walk in on me and my vibrator. I know eventually it might happen but if you have any suggestions I'd love to hear it. I know it is recommended talking to roommates but it's something I can't bear to bring up and I wouldn't know how to start.

I think you have it pretty good, having a roommate who remembers to knock before coming into her own room. With that kind of privacy, you ought to be able to find some time during which you can masturbate. Would it work to leave your vibrator out on your bed and see if she strikes up a conversation? I think you'd enjoy your free time a lot more if you discussed this issue with your roommate. She probably would too.

If I live in a dorm in college with another guy, I'll just admit that I do it and ask him if he wouldn't mind doing it with me. (age 16)

I think that's going too far and could lead to more serious problems communicating with your roommate. All you have to do is adopt one of the approaches others have used (contained on this page) to half-jokingly let him know that he is apt to find you masturbating at some point.

It's kind of a funny story how I stumbled upon your site. I'm a college student who lives in a suite-style dorm. I finished masturbating in my room, and, not wanting to wake my roommate, I cautiously peeked out my door to see if anyone was out in the common area between my room and the bathroom. I didn't notice that one of my suitemates was on the couch, and I stepped out of my room briefly. I think he saw that I had semen on my chest and part of my penis was visible. Instantly, I found myself in a rather compromising position. I dashed back into my room, cleaned off, and tried to regain my composure. When I stepped out again, I tried to play it off like nothing had happened. Did I do the right thing? Needless to say, I was absolutely mortified in private. After reading your site, I felt much more comfortable about the situation (i.e., I no longer want to crawl into a hole and die of shame). (age 19)

I don't think you needed to say anything. I think a lot of men your age assume their roommates are masturbating whenever they're alone. If he noticed your condition at all, it only confirmed his suspicion and didn't tell him anything new.

Last weekend I toured a college that my friend goes to, and I got to stay in a dorm (not my friend's dorm though) for the weekend. The guys that lived in that dorm and I became really good friends during that time. One night they went out, but I told them I was too tired. After they left, I started to snoop a little and found their nudey mags. So one thing led to another and I found myself masturbating furiously. I was caught up in it and I didn't pay attention to where my ejaculate flew, and it landed on one of the guys' clothes laying on the floor. I didn't notice this until later when it had dried and stained. I threw the clothes into the laundry hamper and didn't tell them. I want to be honest about it, but how do I tell them that I was jerking off in their dorm? (age 18)

It is already too late to be honest. You were being dishonest when you snooped through their room and then when you covered up what you had done. There is no reason to tell them you were masturbating. They already knew or assumed that when they left you alone in the dorm room. Someone who leaves clothes laying on the floor has no reason to expect they will be clean later. I don't think any good will come of telling them now what you did.

I live in a triple, so I have 2 roommates, making it impossible for me to masturbate, almost ever. I tried to bring it up as a joke and they were both like "ewww," so I know that they don't. I just want some alone time with my vibrator, this blows! (age 18)

Hmm... I think it's easier for men because they all do. Why don't you just tell them you want some alone time, Tuesdays and Fridays from 8 to 9 or something like that.

When I had a roommate in college, I couldn't masturbate at night as often as I would have liked, but I could still manage to masturbate every day by finding times when I knew my roommate would be out of the room. If he went to take a shower, I knew I had at least 15 minutes. I knew his class schedule, so if he had class and I didn't, I could do it then. If all else failed, I'd lock the door when he was gone, masturbate, and be prepared to cover up quickly if I heard his key in the door. (age 19)

I think too many college students cope that way. Think of all the time you wasted waiting for your roommate to go someplace and how little you enjoyed masturbating by being afraid of him returning suddenly. You can bet he was going through the same thing with regard to your movements. Wouldn't it have been easier if you had agreed that it was OK to masturbate when it was dark in the room or had a way to signal when you wanted to be "alone in the room"?

When I was in college, I lived 3 years in the dorms and 1 year in a fraternity house, and I always shared a room. My first year in the dorm it was really difficult to find time to masturbate, and I would usually wait until my roommate had left the room or when I thought he was sound asleep. Sometimes I would awaken in the middle of the night so I could masturbate. The only problem for me was that I enjoyed masturbating just before going to bed because I found it helped me sleep. After a few weeks, I woke up one night and could hear my roommate masturbating in his bed. I was relieved in a way because it made me realize that he also needed to find ways to pleasure himself. I finally decided just to be an adult about it and one morning asked him if it was difficult to find time, in this roommate arrangement, to "relieve" himself. He sort of smiled at me and said yes, and asked if we could work out an arrangement. It actually felt a bit weird, but healthy, to talk about it. We finally agreed that masturbating in the evenings, after the lights were out, or in the mornings before we both got out of bed, was acceptable if we were both in the room. We also would tell each other if we were going to be away, in the shower, etc. For example, if he was going down the hall to take a shower he'd say, "you've got 15 minutes or so if you need it." We also kept each other up to date on our class schedules and agreed that during those times, when one of us was away and the room was ours, we could masturbate without fear of being interrupted. So it ended up being an OK experience and neither of us had to go without masturbating. (age 27)

What a great plan! And how lucky you were to take care of it freshman year.

Our campus has two suite-style residence halls with single occupancy rooms, one of which I've lived in. Privacy's never been an issue. (age 18)

Well, of course not. Single occupancy tenants have maximum privacy. The issue is for those who live in dorm rooms with two or more people.

No problem with my two roommates. At least one of us girls is stirring in her cookie jar every night. It's harmless and pleasant. (age 21)

Wow, I really think that's the best news I've heard today.

I recently started attending college and I live in a dorm. My roommate and I discussed masturbating about 3 days into the living arrangement. He informed me that he was cool with me masturbating and also OK with me doing it when he was in the room. This worked out great for both of us. (age 18)

I recently moved in with a new roommate who had been in the military. He served in Iraq. He is very straightforward about everything and doesn't take any guff from the loudmouth guys who live here. I don't mean he is violent or anything, but he basically shuts them up by making them know he is the alpha male or whatever. Anyway, when he moved in here, he asked me if it would be OK if he masturbated in the room after dark? I was very shocked by this question, but I said OK. Now I do it then too, and it's a lot less stressful than when I had a different roommate last semester. (age 18)

Hmm. Maybe that's the sign of an alpha male. Not afraid of his roommate knowing he masturbates. I can understand why someone who put his life on the line in Iraq would not be tolerant of some loudmouth frat boy types. I hope you keep him on your side.

Things have changed so much over the 45 years since I was at a boarding school. My dorm had 40 guys aged 14 to 18 sharing. The floors were bare wood with squeaky boards. The beds had slack iron frames and squeaky springs that rattled if you just rolled over. The matresses were straw filled and rustled at the slightest movement. Any masturbation attempt kept the whole dorm awake, and a prefect would tell you to "stop making a disturbance." If you didn't stop, there were punishments. The lavatory stalls had no doors - no privacy there! The showers were just a row of heads in a big tiled room - no privacy there either. Masturbation was never mentioned, but the whole place was clearly set up to make it as difficult as possible to find an opportunity. The result was that guys would masturbate publicly and openly, in the back of a boring Latin class. Some deliberately made holes in their trouser pockets. My way was slow and silent and with incredible control over any external signs: no facial expression or muscular spasms. (age 60)

That's a lot like basic training in the military, except they also leave the lights on in the bunk room all night (supposedly to simulate battlefield sleeping, but also to prevent masturbation). I can't imagine the compromises males made to accomodate those restrictions made them more sexually functional in any way. It's good that things have changed since then and modern males (and females) can discover their sexuality at their leisure.

I had a roommate in my first year at college. I woke up one night and could hear her masturbating. I could tell by the sounds and her heavy breathing. It turned me on and I started masturbating too. I don't know what came over me but I decided to make it obvious what I was doing. I was rubbing quickly making my own sounds and breathing loudly. She then started to make even more noise, almost panting. Within a couple of minutes she had a orgasm and let out a gasp. This set me off and I came quickly after her. She never said anything about it and neither did I. I think she enjoyed it as much as I did though! (age 21)

That's a nice story. I hope it made you less self-conscious about masturbating in that room.

When my roommate and I moved in together there was obviously tension, but as the year passed we became comfortable with each other. She came in on me masturbating once, and she laughed and let me borrow her vibrator. Now we share it! It's worked out really well! (age 19)

When I first got to college, I had to hold out for days before I could find the time or place to masturbate, which was really hard for me since I was doing it 1-2 times a day at home when I had my own room. After a month or so, I was getting even more horny so I started doing it really quietly at night when I thought he had gone to sleep. One night I guess he hadn't because as I was getting into it, he said "dude, wait till I'm asleep at least!" and started laughing. I was pretty embarrassed and said "sorry" before turning over and trying to sleep. However, a few nights later I heard him masturbating. I decided not to say anything, and for the rest of the year we would do it at night before bed, sometimes even at the same time. We never talked about it, though sometimes we talked about some hot girls we knew. So it was cool to be able to usually be able to do it when I wanted. We weren't really good friends but had a mutual understanding I guess. After all, we're both horny guys! (age 19)

That took a long time to straighten out and sounds not as satisfying as it could have been if you had said something.

I live in a shared accommodation with two guys and another girl. We started out all trying to pretend we weren't masturbating and keeping it quiet in our rooms but it just started to get absurd. Now we've got a system in place where we go to bed at different times and if you share a wall, you don't go to bed for at least 15 minutes so that we can't hear each other. Masturbation is forbidden in common areas. I need to shower in the same recess as the boys! (age 21)

How nice that you have that all worked out.

At the unlikely age of 20 1/2, in my second year at a residence hall, I masturbated to orgasm for the first time on that Tuesday night in November 1984 that. President Reagan was re-elected. I became exceedingly testy with my roommate and also fairly estranged from the other students who used our bathroom because I began to masturbate frequently with conditioner in the fairly private shower stall and began to wonder if my roommate was listening to my indulging. I began to believe others were speaking behind my back and that was later confirmed. I was such a late bloomer and I had been indoctrinated at summer camp against masturbation. I was not particulary open in my communication, and the initial rapport with my roommate was lost and that year became a shambles socially and schollastically. I feel it brought on my being diagnosed with a mental illness five years later. I wish I had been much more open with my peers and risked being red-faced and worked out a schedule for masturbating in the shower. (age 42)

I find it hard to believe that masturbating was the sole cause of the decline with your roommates. It also seems kind of hard to believe that they were discussing it behind your back. Nearly all guys are embarrassed about masturbating and have no empathy with someone who makes fun of a person for masturbating. However, I think you are also right in that you suffered by not discussing sex and masturbating with someone at that age. It can be beneficial for males to have someone to talk to about that, because another person can rein in bad ideas one might have about sex and advise you that atypical sexual practices (e.g., TMS) are not normal.

I've never been discovered masturbating, but I'm about to go off to college and will have a roommate and will be living in a hall surrounded by other girls my age. When is the best time to masturbate? What if I am discovered? I'm not looking forward to living with a roommate. It will feel unnatural, especially if we don't become friends. Any advice? (age 18)

It's not too unusual for first year roommates to not get along. There are lots of books and articles about getting along with roommates. They don't usually mention masturbation. This page contains a bunch of strategies for discussing masturbation so you don't have to perform the kind of secret masturbation you are asking me about it. If you absolutely refuse to discuss it with your roommate, then I suggest learning her schedule to maximize your privacy. I suspect if you are discovered, she will be as embarrassed as you, and you will both be relieved that the issue is in the open. Good luck.

I was home alone one night in our dorm, and I was pounding my steak when my roommate's sister walked quietly into our shared bedroom and caught me. She was pleasantly shocked (she said) and asked if she could watch! In a matter of seconds - maybe 30 - I blew a geyser as she moaned quietly. She often comes over now and sometimes joins in! My dorm buddies tease me about the "hot brunette" who is always in our room, but I just laugh and smile! Should I tell my roommie or just enjoy the quality time with his sister? (age 22)

I don't think your roommate needs to know anything. Lots of guys date their roommate's and other friends' sisters.

When I was 18, I had just left for Marine boot camp, and in my 2nd month of training I thought that all of my unit had gone to sleep when I started to masturbate in my bunk. I was on a roll, and then my drill instructor walked in to check on us. He saw me and started to laugh and woke up all of my unit, then he took me to the side and told me that I was not alone; he had caught many other Marines doing it too. Hey, 90 days of training and no females make you desperate and horny, he said, but he was OK with it. To this day I look back and laugh about it. This is the best site I have ever visited. Thank you for all the great advice. SEMPER FI! (age 24)

So did he let you finish?

I had never masturbated and never even knew what it was until I got to college. I shared a bunk bed with a roommate. Late one night, I heard these sex sounds coming from her bed. I asked if she was OK. She stopped and said she was fine. The next day, she told me that she was masturbating. We agreed that she would have some alone time three times a week from 9-10 pm. Later, I asked her about masturbation and she told me how to do it. I will forever be grateful to her for teaching me, but how do you approach the subject with a female who doesn't even know what masturbation is? (age 30)

What a great story! I think you just be direct, and if she has questions, just answer them.

I live in the south, and talking about masturbation is taboo. I've only masturbated twice with somebody else in the room (but only after I was sure they were asleep). I'm just wondering if the other girls in the dorms do it too, or if I just have a dirty mind and a large sexual appetite. (age 20)

Yes, you can read on this page that they do. If you're really uptight about it, you don't have to talk to them about it, but I think it would be a relief to all of you if you did.

My college had a nearby park with plenty of woods. I had many nice masturbation sessions in that park! (age 32)

I recommend against masturbating in public very strongly. You could wind up with a record as a sex offender. Wouldn't it be a lot easier just to talk to your roommates about it?

When I first started college, I could never find time to masturbate. After about 2 weeks, I couldn't wait any more. So I decided just to do it that night in bed whether my roommate heard me or not. So I started doing it and he sat up in bed and asked me what I was doing. I told him and he said that he couldn't find time to do it either.

My roommate does it all the time and she wants me to do it with her. What should I do? (age 19)

Since you're not comfortable with it to say the word in your message to me, I think doing it with her would be a very bad idea. You also would not be out of line to tell her not to do it when you're around. Making agreements with roommates to respect each other's privacy can go both directions.

My boyfriend always tries to get me to masturbate while I'm on the phone with him. I try not to but his voice sounds so good. He knows that I'm a virgin and I won't have sex with him. I am really worried that my roommate will walk in on me one day. Should I work something out with her and let her know when to stay out of the room, or run the risk of her walking in on me? (age 19)

You have two issues. First, you are unhappy about your boyfriend wanting phone sex. Second, you worry that your roommate will catch you doing it. If you don't want to have phone sex, then tell your boyfriend you won't do it. If you decide to, then you need to work out how to handle it with your roommate. It would probably be more embarrassing if she walked in on you than if you were only masturbating without the phone. You would also be more distracted because of the phone and would be less likely to be aware that she was entering. It would be a good idea for you to devise some signal that lets her know you "want to be alone in the room."

I really don't find masturbating a problem. If you are good friends with your roommate, you really shouldn't feel embarrassed. If a person is scared of someone seeing their penis, then how do you change your clothes in the same room? My freshman year it was hard, but after a while my roommate and I became really good friends. (age 21)

Letting someone see you naked and letting them see you masturbate are completely different things. Masturbating has an intense stigma for some people and some men are more willing to admit to rape than masturbation. Sex scientists have often found that their subjects were willing to talk about everything except masturbation. Also, not all roommates are friends. What worked for you does not work for most who come to this page.

I often have trouble finding time to masturbate. Last semester, my roommate had his schedule hanging over his desk, and I'd use that to know when I had some time to pleasure myself. This semester, there is no schedule and we often are in class the same time. I don't have his class schedule memorized so when he leaves, I don't know if he's just going to the bathroom for a moment or class for an hour. I tried masturbating in the shower the other week, but I had trouble getting it up in that environment. Any advice? (age 19)

Ask your roommate for his schedule and provide yours as well. Tell him you need it to know when you can defrost the refrigerator. Yeah, that's it!

I masturbated all the time when my roommate was in the room. I really didn't care whether he heard me or not because I was horny. I even had sex with my girlfriend while her roommate was right across the room sleeping. I was just nasty in college, but it was worth it, and I don't regret anything. I am sure that my roommate masturbated as well. He just may have not done it in the room or in my presence, but he got to go home to his private bedroom every weekend. I was 3 hours away from home. (age 26)

I encourage people to discuss privacy issues with their roommates. I think you went too far by not caring whether what you did bothered him or not. There is more to it than merely being embarrassed or not about the possibility of being caught.

I live in a college dorm with a roomate. I know that I would masturbate more if I didn't. I am kind of a shy person so I didn't confront him about masturbation at the beginning of the year. I can hear him during the night rustling the sheets and breathing rather loudly. I want to say somthing about it but I don't know how to go about it. I'm ok with it and I know he has his needs just like me. I just think I should be able to do it as much as he does. I don't know if I should just do it regardless of him being there or what. (age 18)

You are feeling deprived because you don't get to masturbate as often as your roommate does, yet you are afraid of him finding out that you do it or at least don't want to do it in the room with him. I doubt that your roommate would say anything to you or anyone else, because he must know that you are aware when he does it, given how much noise he makes. I would suggest trying it sometime when he is there and seeing if you can enjoy it or if you're just too worried. If you can't enjoy it, then propose some arrangement that would let you have the room to yourself occasionally.

I live in a suite-style dorm and didn't get along with my random roomie anyway. I tried the whole leave the door locked and pretend I wasn't feeling well or just needed a nap and covered up quick. Unfortunately, a laptop makes noise when you close it and it is pretty obvious you weren't sleeping. One time I heard my roomie coming down the hall with some other people and just pretended I was checking my e-mail in bed. He then loudly inquired as to why I had the door locked and the lights out, using a very skeptical voice. Needless to say I was embarrassed to see the people he was broadcasting to in the hall the next day. I have learned to be somewhat honest about sexuality with the friends I've made in my co-ed hall, without geting into nasty details. And though I may ocassionally be labeled the House Perv, I take it as a joke and tell them I'm just more honest than most of the guys they know. In regard to the whole issue of asking for a single room, which I got for next semester, I told my parents that I would pay the extra $400 by getting a part-time job in fast food. This worked out well, and I got my privacy. I would also like to note that masturbation was not my sole reason for getting a single room. (age 19)

I don't think that's a very happy ending. That's like paying $5 a day to masturbate.

My dormmate and I masturbate together all the time and the other day he asked me if we should perform hand jobs on each other. I'm not gay and he has a girlfriend. What should I do? (age 19)

By asking me, you're suggesting both that you want to do it with him (otherwise you would have rejected the idea out of hand) and you don't want to be perceived as gay. He has some cover against accusations of gayness by having a girlfriend (although having a girlfriend, especially at your age, is no assurance that someone is straight). Whatever you decide, there are people (perhaps most) who would regard you as being not completely straight if you engaged in that behavior with another male.

I only mastubated infrequently in my dorm room because I had a girlfriend with whom I was sexually active since my high school. We broke up my junior year in college. After that I masturbated a lot more, usually when my roommate was gone or late at night when I thought he was asleep. One day I was leaving our room with him and a group of his friends and he made some comment about my jacking off in front of them. I was too shocked to be embarrassed at the time and had just said "you are cold man, you are cold" and quietly left. Unbeknownst to them, I lingered outside the room to hear if anything else was said about me because I wasn't sure if he was being truthful. I heard him telling his friends in a disgusted tone that he had caught me a couple of times masturbating in my bed. He and his friends were having a good laugh at my expense. I never said anything about the incident and I never let it bother me either. What strikes me as funny (now that you got me thinking about that time) is that it didn't really deter from masturbating even when he was in the room. I would still wait until I thought he was asleep. Later in the semester he transferred to another college and I had the room to myself. (age 36)

Your roommate was very immature, and his friends were probably laughing due to their own embarrassment about masturbating and not about you. I would not be convinced that he had heard you; it would take no great brain to figure out that you masturbated in your bedroom. He might have been just trying to get a reaction from you, and you didn't give him the one he wanted. Congratulations to you!

I share a room with two other guys, and we all know that we all masturbate. What we usually do is designate a certain time: 3:00 for me, 3:45 for the next, 4:30 for the last. It's absoluely fine 99% of the time.

I would be willing to trade spontaneity for privacy.

I live in a dorm. The best way I have found to jack off is to wait until the dorm is empty due to some social function that doesn't interest me then do it in a bathroom stall or something. I will also have phone sex with my fiancee when no one else is around. It works out well.

That doesn't sound like such a good plan. How often do social functions "empty" the dorm? You would be better off finding a way to do it whenever you want, or at least several times a week.

I find time to masturbate in the shower. I find that it takes longer for you to reach an orgasm in the shower. I also masturbate while I am in the bed. I am too shy to ask my roommate if he does it or not. I am also afraid of what he might say or think. Should we set a time where we both masturbate? Should we have scheduled masturbation sessions? (age 18)

Given your shyness, I think scheduled masturbation sessions are out of the question. Why not just set up a system where one of you can be alone in the room?

My roomie has caught me looking at porn and masturbating a couple times over our three years of living together. Usually she knows to knock on my bedroom door before coming in but sometimes she forgets, in which case, I close my web browser and pull up the covers quickly and she asks whatever she came in for or she just turns around and walks out. We've never discussed it but it's never been a problem. Freshman year was worse though because we only had one room, all common space, but I just did it in the shower then. Not as fun but better than nothing. (age 21)

Thanks for sharing.

I just moved into a dorm. I have a room to myself but it's very small and I can hear a lot of what happens in my neigbors' rooms. I'm terrified that they might be able to hear me if I use my vibrator (it's very strong and very loud). Also, the floor is co-ed. I don't know if I could face stepping out of my room every day afraid that I'll cross someone who'll know. Also, I'm overweight and although I'm pretty cute in my own way, I've faced a lot of abuse from people over the years. I feel that people are readier to accept sexual behavior from pretty people than from the ugly ones. If I were a size 2, everyone would think it normal and even arousing to know that I masturbate but since I'm a size 16, they might call it pathethic and gross and give me a hard time. I'm only going to be here for 4 months so I don't want to go to the trouble of finding a boyfriend (especially if I get really attached to him and then it will hurt when I have to leave). (age 22)

Be glad you have a single room. No one will be listening for your vibrator. From another room, assuming one can hear it at all, it doesn't sound much different from a shaver and is probably quieter than a blow dryer. Since no one will know specifically that you masturbate, you won't have to worry about them making judgements about your weight and sexuality. I also don't think you should reject the idea of a boyfriend out of hand.

I LOVE your site. I'm a junior in college and I have a roommate who is also a junior. I wouldn't consider myself gay, although I get aroused whenever I hear him masturbating at night. Would it be OK to masturbate secretly while he is masturbating? I don't have any problem finding time to masturbate but I get extra horny hearing him breathe hard and hearing the sound of his hand against his penis. Would I be out of line for enjoying this free show? (age 20)

Of course it would be OK. He isn't worried about masturbating with you in the room, is he? Why should you be worried about him?

A few years back when I was in college, I shared a dorm room with a girl who was up front with me that she masturbated frequently. I just shrugged it off and said it didn't bother me. She'd masturbate all the time, whether I was in the room or not. Most of the time, she'd be face down, naked and humping the bed or her pillow. Other times, she'd watch all-girl or female masturbation porn while playing with herself. Despite what I told her, I was soon pretty uncomfortable when she'd be pleasuring herself, even though I never said anything. Later, I suppose I just got used to her masturbating in front of me. Once I needed a ride and was between cars, so I just walked into our dorm room, where I found her having sex with her pillow. I asked her for a ride, and she told me, "give me a minute." And so I stood there and watched as she finished humping her pillow. And without a hint of embarrassment from either of us (even though I had just seen her make herself have an orgasm), she got dressed and gave me my ride, and then we went out to eat together. (age 28)

That is an extreme story. You would have been justified in letting her know when her behavior was obviously making you uncomfortable. Most people are horrified at the idea of someone other than a sexual partner watching them masturbate. She must have had some psychological issues.

I'm just starting college and as you can probably tell, not being able to masturbate alone is a shocker! My roommate is a junior and he is the a-hole frat boy type so he has no problems whipping out his penis and jerking off in front of me. But I can't get an erection with another guy in the room. Anything I can do to be as exhibitionistic as him? (age 18)

I wouldn't advise you to be exhibitionistic. But you should certainly feel free to masturbate at night after the lights are out. You have nothing to fear from him discovering you.

I am a freshman college student, and I must admit, I like to masturbate at night. I take it easy, so as not to make noise and wake up my roommate. Other than that, I've figured out a time when she's in class and I'm not for a couple hours when I can head back to my room for some more involved masturbation. The shower is another option, but I don't really like masturbating while standing, and it's one of those bathrooms that half a dorm floor uses, so doing anything but standing is out of the question. I don't really see any reason to mention it to her since things are working so well as they are. It may be, though, that I'm reluctant to discuss anything sexual in a personal sense because I'm bisexual and she's straight and I worry that makes her uncomfortable to begin with. She is a little uptight about some things, so that's not a stretch. (age 18)

Yes, but you might not need to be so quiet at night if you discussed it with your roommate first. She probably masturbates too and would be relieved to know you wouldn't take it as anything else.

The few times I was able to masturbate in my dorm room, my roommate was out. I found it much easier to go the the bathroom in the library or another building to masturbate. It was actually more satisfying than when in the dorm. (female, age 21)

Yes, but you were taking a chance on being caught masturbating in public. That might have provided a thrill that made the orgasm more satisfying. In the long run, you'd be better off learning to do it (to your satisfaction) in your own room.

I dorm in a triple with two roommates and we never talk about masturbating. I do it when my roommates aren't in the room or when they are both asleep if it is an "emergency." I always to do it very discreetly as I know they never notice. I only use my vibrator when they are out though because I sm afraid the buzzing would wake them. Am I being kinda gross? (age 18)

I don't think you are being gross, and I think your roommates are going through the same thing. If you discussed it with them, you wouldn't have to worry so much during those emergencies.

My roommate and I do not get along. One day, I was stressed out and I masturbated with a vibrator, and usually she is gone, so I thought that she wouldn't be there. She came in and I tried to shut off the vibrator but I was fumbling with it. I'm so nervous that she might tell other people and that that everyone will know. Is it weird for girls in college to use vibrators? What if she thinks that it's so unusual that she just thinks I am a freak?

I doubt that you have anything to worry about. If you aren't friends, she probably wouldn't tell other people anything about you, and if she does, they will more likely think she is a freak for telling them that about you. It is not at all weird for you to masturbate with a vibrator.

I go to a boarding school and share a room with three other girls. I often hear them masturbating but I don't know what to say about it. Since I masturbate too, I don't want to sound hypocritical. How should I confront them? (age 15)

You can deal with it like any other noise they make that would keep you up at night. You can suggest that they either be more quiet or agree upon a period of time in which the room will be quiet. You would have more credibility with them if you started off by saying that you do it too, but I also understand why you wouldn't say that.

I share a room with two girls, and when I masturbate, I want them to watch me, and sometimes I go outside naked and masturbate hoping my neighbors will see me. I just like other people watching me. Is this wrong? Why do I like it? (age 19)

It's a fairly common female fantasy for a woman to imagine herself being watched by many anonymous men. Some sex experts think it's part of the reason why women become strippers and even cheerleaders. It's not wrong to fantasize about, but be careful about exposing yourself. That's against the law.

I had a roommate from another country my freshman year. I walked in on her masturbating with her clothes on and I was curious why so I asked. She was relieved that she wasn't in trouble and said that it against the law almost in her country for a woman to masturbate. I thought that was really sad and told her she can relax; this is America, so enjoy it! I asked her if she had ever heard of sex toys and she had not! So I showed her a we bsite where she could get toys or protection. I came into our room a week later and she had a bunch of toys on her bed and was going to take a shower. I guess she liked the site. She thought my advice on that and guys was straightforward and she wished her own parents had the courtesy I did! (age 22)

What a great roommate you were!

When I lived in the dorm, my roommate was very shy and often would not leave our floor for days on end, leaving me with *no* privacy, ever. I found myself driving out to the local "make-out" spot and masturbating in my car, just to get some relief. I told her I was going out on a date, and in a way, I wasn't lying. (age 28)

That was a bad situation and a bad solution. You might have asked for some time alone in the room and not had to say anything about masturbating.

I spent my first two years in college living in dormitories with one roommate and two suitemates who shared a bathroom. Both years, I approached the subject with my roommates after our housing expectations meeting and discussed the need for "personal time." If either roommate was with a companion or just needed time to herself, she put a glow-in-the dark star on the door. After walking in on the first roommate and her boyfriend, it was determined that the star should go OVER the key slot so no one could miss it. The star worked well for all of us, and with more discretion than the classic "sock on the door." Plus, it was clearly stated that the star could be used anytime the roommate needed time by herself, thus allowing conservative roommates an opportunity to make an excuse if they felt uncomfortable admitting to masturbating. One roommate regularly marked the door so she could enjoy reading her Bible in peace and quiet. ;) (age 23)

What a great story! Were the pages of the Bible stuck together? ;)

I was in my dorm room and I heard someone moaning. I got up and switched on the light and my best friend was fingering herself. Ever since then I have not talked to her. What'll I do? (age 19)

I don't think you should have to apologize since it's your room too and she was making noise. But it would probably smooth things over if you did.

Help! I'm gay, and I thought it would be hot to have a cute roommate who masturbated in the same room. I can't enjoy it because I'm scared I might get caught. My roommate is a really hot guy (older too) but we are friends now, and I don't want my sexual attraction to him to change our friendship. I don't want him to hear me masturbating while he is masturbating because he will find out I am gay. Should I leave the situation alone and only think of him as a friend? He is straight, but he isn't a homophobe. I just don't want his opinion of me to change. (age 18)

You ought to get out of that room. You are not being honest with him about being attracted to him. No one should have to live in a room with someone who is secretly interested in them sexually. His opinion will necessarily change when he starts finding out about this. When you are in a different room with a guy you are not attracted to, you should not worry about him figuring out you're gay because you masturbate. That is nonsense.

I went to military school. Masturbation was a taboo subject. We all did it and knew or at least suspected that our comrades did it as well. Our freshman year was a nightmare; for many of us it was our first time away from home. We lived in a 12-man dorm room and all showers were public. We lived, studied, and slept together. Privacy was unknown. However, our second semester bought us a transfer student whom I'll call Jamison. He was a breath of fresh life into our class and our unit. One February morning during shower call, Jamison loudly exclaimed that he respected us and appreciated us but he needed some time away from us. Since that was "not an option," he was going to fulfill his basic needs in front of us. "I am jerking off now," he loudly proclaimed. "You can watch, you can ignore me, or you can join in." Everyone was shocked. We stood in embarrassment, shock, and awe as he began to pound away. There was nothing gay about this experience but within seconds eight guys at least began a joint masturbation exercise. I learned many things that morning. 1. Masturbation was a need shared by all men, especially those of us in the 18 -22 year old range. 2. I wasnt the only guy that needed or wanted to masturbate. 3. A greater sense of camaraderie was garnered with open communication. Needless to say, dorm life changed after that. You could hear routine rustling of sheets after lights out. Usually everyone did his deed within 30 minutes of lights out. I am married now and serving in another part of the globe. I've lost touch with Jamison since graduation but I will certainly not forget him anytime soon. (age 21)

I don't think anyone else will either.

I've been living in a dorm for three years. Once my roommate walked in on me while I was masturbating and I dropped my vibrator and pretended I was putting on lotion. All the while the vibrator was still buzzing! Now I have my own room but the walls are thin. I just turn up the TV and let it rip! (age 20)

That's funny!

When I was at BYU, which is church-run (the LDS church is anti-masturbation), I would either masturbate quietly when my roommate had fallen asleep (thankfully he was a sound sleeper) or in the shower. A lot of guys there admitted they had tried it at some point and the saying around campus was, "90% of Mormon men admit they masturbate, and the other ten percent lie about it." (age 19)

But would there be a greater stigma there if you were discovered by your roommate?

I currently live in a dorm with two other roommates. We have not yet talked about masturbation, but a couple of days ago, I woke up to hear the roommate who is bunked above me masturbating. I am gay and he is straight. What he was doing was obvious because the bed was moving and I could hear him making some sounds too. I immediately became aroused and began to masturbate. I know he could hear me. It has been awkward for a couple of days now. We often joke about me being gay, and I know he is perfectly fine with it, but how can I make sure he knows I wasn't coming on to him? (age 18)

That is a difficult situation. You might not have been specifically coming on to him, but you were responding to him in a sexual way. I don't think he is "perfectly fine" with your gayness, because the jokes are about you being gay. Are the jokes ever about him being straight? He is probably doubly uncomfortable, because not only was he caught masturbating, there is the issue of whether your masturbating in response to him can be construed as being sexual. I'm not certain that talking about it at this point wouldn't make it worse. You might be better off hoping it will blow over.

I had the same roommate all during my college years. We never spoke about masturbation at first but we each knew we did it. Our dorm beds had a high headboard, so we arranged our room so that the beds were at ninety degree angles from each other. This gave us privacy at night so we could "do our thing" when we needed to. I had the bed near the wall so I would just turn on my side and masturbate into a tissue, towel, etc. as the urge hit. During our senior year we both became engaged to be married and we talked more openly about sex and how masturbation would help us last longer in bed for our partners. I also became a senior biology lab instructor that year and had the key to the lab. I would go there at night to study, but found myself masturbating often, as it was completely private in the middle of a busy campus. (age 41)

Ah, but who else had a key to that lab?

I live in a mixed student residence environment, so while we have individual rooms, I have girls in the two rooms directly below me. They have often made "grossed-out" comments about being able to hear the bedsprings of the guy in the room next to me, and also about the guy who was in my room last year. Are they trying to give me a hint that maybe I am too noisy? Also, are young American women less prudish than young Australian women? As the 5 girls I usually sit with at dinner time are all happy to talk about sexual topics, including their own sexual experiences, even what it was like when they lost their virginity, they all at least implicitly deny that they masturbate. They will freely talk about guys masturbating, and all the guys admit to each other and to the girls that they do it, but all of the girls act as though it's just gross, even those who sleep around a fair bit. Is masturbation just more common among American women, or do these girls just not want to admit it? (age 19)

I am inclined to believe that they all masturbate rather frequently if they are that outspoken about their sexual adventures in mixed company. I can't tell you for certain about the cultural difference between the USA and Australia. Since you males are all very open about masturbating with these women, you ought not worry that you are making too much noise. Go ahead and enjoy yourself.

I am a college freshman and live in a dorm. The guys I know use a joking manner to admit that they masturbate. Is this the best solution to the problem? (age 18)

It is a very good one.

My college dorm was a "mod" style building with all single units, so I had no roommate, but the building was coed with each floor having males on one side and females on the other, about 16 rooms on each side, and each side had its own common TV lounge. My room was on the inside of the building's H shape, so my window faced a few rooms on the other side about 25 feet away on the girls' side. The rooms were tiny, with a twin-sized bed against the window. I would masturbate often in my bed, and once when I came back to my room after taking a shower in the early evening, it had gotten dark. When I came into my room with my towel on, my window blinds were open and I could see the girl in the room across the way. She saw me when I turned on the lights, but I didn't make eye contact. It kind of gave me a thrill to think she was watching, so I just pretended I didn't notice and continued as if it had been private. I took off my towel and dried myself off, and she kept watching. I got really excited thinking about her watching, so I lay down on my bed and started to masturbate in full view. I climaxed quickly and just laid there for a while in a trance, then got up, cleaned myself off, and turned off the lights. Then I had a clear view back at the girl who had been watching, but she wasn't alone. Two more girls were in the window with her! Apparently, she'd called over a couple of her friends to watch when she saw what I was doing. The next day when I was visiting the TV room on the other side, the girls all giggled when I came in and asked when my next "show" would be. From that point on, I always left my window shades open. I'm sure every girl over there that was curious got to watch me masturbate at one point or another. Probably the most exciting time was when one of the girls on the other side with whom I was in an anthropology class introduced me to another classmate that didn't live in the dorm. As I shook her hand and said nice to meet you, my dormmate said that the girl I was just meeting had already watched me earlier that night. What a turn on it was to know this girl I was just meeting had already seen me in such an intimate way. (age 30)

That's quite a tale, but I don't know that it helps the problem most of my readers have in dealing with their roommates.

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time in France. I am English and was studying French at a university. In my experience, all French men about 20 masturbated once the lights went out. There was never any discussion about it, nor was there the slightest embarrassment about doing it. I stayed in many dormitories while taking courses, and even when staying with friends in their homes, they would invariably masturbate before going to sleep. On one occasion, I shared a double bed with a friend and this posed no impediment for him; he just went ahead with the business in hand. He was certainly not gay. He just ignored my presence, as if he were merely brushing his teeth, until he finished. I found the experience liberating, and of course, when in Rome, you do as the Romans do. (age 66)

I appreciate having that international perspective. I hear very little from continental Europe. The lion's share of my correspondents are in English-speaking countries, and most of the rest are in the developing world.

I understand your comment that you can't really seperate "wankers" and "non-wankers" in a dorm, but I always thought it would be helpful if they asked you to rate your level of modesty and put like people together. It would save a lot of uncomfortable situations for everybody. I am one of those who comes back from the shower, throws his towel in the hamper and picks out his clothes for the day. I had a roommate who changed IN the shower stall to avoid being seen; we were not compatible roomates. I understand being naked while changing with another guy and having him know you are masturbating is different, it my experience that the less modest a guy is around other guys, the more open he is to having a conversation about masturbating. When I was finally able to select my own roommates for an apartment, that was always something I addressed when interviewing them. I would be honest and say, "if I want a glass of water at night, I am not putting on clothes to walk to the kitchen." And I would also say, "There will be times I'm going to want to put in a movie and have a good wank. I am happy to warn you so you can stay out of the room, or you can watch the movie with me. It's your call, but it is something I will do." I found that by being honest upfront, I was able to create very comfortable living situations with guys who were more like me in their habits. (age 28)

That is good that you were able to do that by the time you had your own apartment, but keep in mind this page is mostly about college freshmen, few of whom will be that bold. I'm not convinced that sorting by level of modesty will make a huge difference for the people who are still mortified about discussing masturbation.

I would not masturbate with my old roommate when he was in the room, but now with my new roommate I masturbate before going to bed and I know he does too most of the time. We don't really talk about it at night but once in a while one of us will make a comment such as, "I slept great last night after I rubbed one out." I find that it is really a stress reliever to not have to worry about him hearing me. I can do my business and go to bed. I think that he feels the same way. (age 19)

Good for you. Have you ever noticed no one's status message on Facebook is ever "masturbating"?

I'm gay and my roommate masturbates at night while he thinks I am sleeping, but sometimes I can't sleep while he is doing it. It's like a straight guy trying to sleep while a woman was masturbating in the same room. I dont want to say anything, so while he masturbates, I move around to show that I am awake or I'll even get up to use the bathrooom. Now there is an awkward tension between us, where we don't really talk at all. It's as if I have to pretend he is not in the room. Should I say something or just ignore it and let him masturbate? (age 18)

I think you should say something. He obviously knows that you know he masturbates. It is just a matter of standing up for yourself. You don't say anything about your own masturbating. Perhaps that could be part of the conversation too. I think what you both need is a set time to be alone in the room.

My roommates knew I was masturbating whenever I would bring my laptop into our suite's common bathroom. I would never masturbate in the bedroom, only in the bathroom, and always with the computer and headphones. It seemed more considerate than doing it in the bedroom, but they would often complain and say it made them uncomfortable because the computer in the bathroom made it obvious what I was doing. I almost always need computer porn in order to masturbate. (age 23)

They ought not have complained about that. Perhaps it would have been easier for you to be discreet with magazines.

I'm a freshman in college and so far I've had two roommates. The first was evil incarnate. The current one is a Christian fundamentalist. The first one was a bad situation all around. She was incredibly cruel to me and rather immature. One day she woke up and decided to be a bitch to me. I didn't masturbate at all during that time -- but that was probably because I never felt the need to. Being around her evilness made me physically ill. Toward the beginning of the time I shared a room with her, I had an erotic dream, and when I was half awake I think I kind of rolled my hips. She saw me and made it as obvious as possible without saying anything that she was grossed out by this. After about a month or so of this, I moved to a different room. The evil one dropped out after midterms because she was failing her classes. I imagine though, that if I had stayed with this roommate and eventually needed to masturbate, that I would have started taking long showers. I probably would have started enjoying my breaks at home much more, too. It would have been interesting to tell my dad next time he calls and asks me if I'm homesick to tell him that I miss having my own room to masturbate in.

My current roommate probably believes that masturbation is a sin. Considering she all but humps her bible, I believe that masturbation is probably not a subject that we can talk about. She is also needy when it comes to people. Luckily, this neediness deflected off of me. She has some church groups that she spends time with. She also has her schedule posted on the door along with her boyfriend's schedule. So if I ever need to masturbate, all I have to do is glance at the door, check her schedule, see if I have enough time to do something without feeling rushed, and make sure the door is locked. If it's night, I'll make sure the lights are out and she's asleep before I attempt anything. I do it at my desk then, because the mini-fridge blocks my view of her and vice versa. The only bad thing about doing it at night is that she occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night and feels the need to check up on what I'm doing and stare at me. Luckily, all the times that happened, I was actually busy working on papers that I had procrastinated on. (age 19)

Those are not good situations. You haven't learned to communicate with either of them. The current roommate sounds weak, as if she wouldn't do anything to protest you doing something she didn't approve of. You would do well to make an agreement that when something particular is on the doorknob (like a scarf), the other one wants to be alone in the room. I thought about this answer for a long time because the line about your dad was so poignant.

You know how much guys love to masturbate, but if there is another guy in my dorm, I find it really hard to get hard! Even if he leaves so that i can "wank," I still know he knows I'm doing it, which screws up my hard-on and then I can't masturbate anyway! What do I do? (age 21)

All of the males in your dorm masturbate quite often. His knowing you do it -- can he really be sure? -- does not tell him anything he didn't already suspect. Learn to ignore the thoughts about people who might know.

I'm going to a school camp in a few days, and I think one of the people in my dorm masturbates. What should I do if I see him doing this? (age 12)

Nothing. You don't want him saying anything if he sees you, do you? Just be cool around him.

I haven't been to college yet and won't have to for a while but my big brother was just telling me how it's like hell living in a dorm. We both used to share a room and are only two years apart so we were both comfortable with masturbating in the same room and ignoring each other (I'm happy that I've finally got a room to myself) but he shares a room with some dude who has to always be there when he wants to masturbate. Not only that, but when the guy did it, he ejaculated into one of my brother's favorite shirts. My brother said something but the guy just brushed it off. Do you have any advice for him? (age 17)

I suggest he keep complaining to the roommate and get him to cease his loutish behavior or at least spend less time in the room.

I'm a sophomore in college. I've always shared a room with my brother so I never even thought of masturbating in the room. It has always been my habit to masturbate in the shower. Second semester of freshman year, I realized my roommate did it at night a couple of times. He was a cool guy so it didn't bother me when he did it occasionally. He was exceptionally quiet about it too, which was nice of him.

This year I have a new roommate. He's very shy, religious, homophobic, possibly gay, and depressed. He takes alot of pills for depression and ADHD and for other stuff. He didn't have any friends last year or in high school from what he's told me. I tried to include him this year and get him to be more relaxed, even though I'm not the most outgoing guy either, but his shyness seems unhealthy. In the end, we really don't get along, but we put up with each other (ignore each other). He finally got too comfortable with me, and now he's started masturbating almost every night. I put up with it because I've done it a couple of times this year too, but otherwise I do it in the shower. However, I do it when he's snoring, and I'm wicked quiet by using only one finger. He uses baby shampoo, a fist, and he tries to cover it up by eating or drinking something, rattling stuff on his desk, or tossing and turning all at the same time until 4 in the morning. On top of that, even though it embarrasses him, he knows I'm awake because I've given him many hints. Right now, he's done it 4 nights in a row and I haven't gotten any sleep. I am on the verge of asking him to use the bathroom or do it during private time in the room, which he gets plenty. However, he's very argumentative about things, and like I said he's very depressed, so I don't want to make him kill himself or something. He's told me a couple times already how unhappy he is here, so I feel really awkward and uneasy about confronting him. (age 20)

You're wicked quiet? I have a hunch you're from Boston. There is nothing wrong with you asserting your desire for quiet time in the room after dark. It is his obligation to not be noisy in the room when you're trying to sleep. There is also nothing wrong with telling him you know what he's been doing four nights in a row. He is not especially trying to be discreet about it. His being depressed is not a license for him to do whatever he wants and overlook your basic rights to sleep in your own room.

I think your site is cool, but you seem to have a REAL bias against female masturbation. Sure, fewer women do it, but accusing people of needing mental help because they like to masturbate for 2 hours and just saying it's easier for men to talk about because they all do it is less than helpful. I also find it odd you think it's OK for one man to see another masturbating, but not women. (age 18)

I don't think you read the site very carefully. HealthyStrokes.com is obviously a pro-masturbation site for both males and females. Strangely enough, I've been accused of being biased in favor of female masturbation before, because my advice frequently consists of telling males to masturbate less and females to masturbate more. The woman who liked to regularly masturbate for two hours at a time obviously had some issues that she needed help with. I don't believe she is typical of college women. It's just a fact that it's easier to broach the subject of masturbation when you know that the other person does it than if you don't. While that makes it easier for men to talk about, it is also more likely to be an issue for men because more of them do it and do it more often. I don't know where you got the idea in the last line. I don't think anyone, male or female, should have to see or hear masturbation if it makes them uncomfortable, but if they all agree it's OK, then there is no problem.

I'm about to go to camp and will have a friend as a roommate. This friend knows I watch adult movies but thinks I don't masturbate. Since I know he masturbates, would it be OK to do this while he's in the room? (age 16)

What makes you think he think you don't masturbate? He knows. I promise. Even so, I wouldn't advocate doing it in front of him. Either discuss it first or only do it when you have privacy or at least when he's asleep.

I'm going abroad for a week and a half as part of my language studies and was worried about approaching my mate about masturbation. Is there any way I could avoid a confrontation with him? The fact that we often go to football games and call the ref a wanker doesn't help. (age 14)

You are worried about nothing. Take a closer look at this page.

Do you have a story to tell about masturbating in a dorm room or other shared living situation?

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